Escaping the Captains' Wrath
by Mriya
Summary: Isshin comes across every captain of the Gotei 13. Now all he has to do is avoid them. Not going to be easy seeing as every captain is looking for him now! Read and Review Please
1. Yamamoto

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the humor. Which I don't think will be very good, but it's my first try.

My first Isshin Story. Every chapter will be about coming across every captain on record in Karakura. Hehe. I'm so evil. They will be short chapters, but it will be a long story.

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Isshin was just heading home from the grocery store. He was only a mile away from the clinic when he froze in total terror. It was Yamamoto. The head captain never came here. It just wasn't done, so why now?

"Dammit!" he hissed under his breath. He looked around; there were only a few people on the street right now, so he couldn't really blend in, now could he? Seeing an alley nearby, Isshin high-tailed it into the alley with his back pressed tight against the wall.

It had been a _long _time since he'd seen any of the captains. Hell, he still remembered Shinji when he was captain of squad five! He knew every single captain currently in the divisions right now. He'd trained them all as a guest at the Shinigami Academy. Now all hell was breaking loose.

Isshin strained his senses to locate Yamamoto's reiatsu. It was hidden, but not hidden enough. He sensed that he was walking near the alley he was currently occupying and decided it was time to get out of there. He ran further down the alley, but Yamamoto had already seen him. Well, he didn't really see who it was, but there's nothing more suspicious than a full grown man running down an alley with an overflowing bag of food.

"Stop running!" Isshin heard a gruff voice shout at him. He should have listened, but being as stupid as he could be, he kept going. Then he made the mistake of using flash step to get farther away.

"I order you to stop running, Ryoka!" Yamamoto shouted again. Isshin froze. Was he just called a ryoka?

Suddenly, Yamamoto was directly behind him only a foot away. Oh, this was very, very bad. See, Isshin had just disappeared from the Seireitei along with Urahara and Yoruichi. Only he had never been seen again.

"Identify yourself," Yamamoto ordered.

Isshin thought for a minute and what he thought of was just... "Uh...I'd rather not, thank you," he said in his horrible imitation of a woman's voice. He couldn't risk getting caught just by the sound of his voice. "If you don't mind," he began in the same voice, "I've got to get back to my kids now. Bye bye!" and made a dash for the exit, but was pulled back by the collar of his shirt.

Yamamoto turn Isshin to face him, but Isshin broke out of his grasp and began running to the clinic. Unfortunately for him, Yamamoto caught a glimps of his face.

"Isshin Shiba?!" he shouted. Then he send a hell butterfly to all captains in the Soul Society saying, "Isshin Shiba has been spotted in Karakura Town. All captains report to Karakura immediately."


	2. Soi Fon

Disclaimer: I own only the story. Again, I'm saving what sarcasm I have left for the story.

Thankfully, I got good reviews from people who are amazing, commenting the day I post it up. Hopefully, you other amazing people will review on this chapter.

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Isshin never stopped running on the way to the clinic. If he'd heard right, Yamamoto had just called every captain of the Gotei 13, which was bad. _Very _bad. Thankfully, they knew him as Isshin Shiba and not Isshin Kurosaki, so they wouldn't think to look at the Kurosaki Medical Clinic. As he ran he heard many people asking if he was alright, but he answered none of them. He had to get home to where it was safe.

Once he reached the clinic, he burst through the door – opening it, thankfully – and dropped the groceries. He then turned to slam the door and bolt it shut, but remembered that they still seemed open. Thinking for a moment, Isshin snatched the closed sign and whipped the door open, hung the sign, and slammed it again. He bolted it shut with faltering hands, which caused him to have to try about fifteen times. After thinking again, he stopped in a panicked position, his arms out like he was surfing and listed the things he could use to seal the door shut.

Thinking of an idea, he snapped his fingers and ran into the supply room, stumbling on the way and nearly running into a few walls. When he returned he was carrying a stack of 3x4's, nails, and a hammer. Noisily nailing the wood to the door, Isshin began to panic when he realized Ichigo, Karin, and Yuzu weren't home yet. Then he remembered that the front entrance was only for patience, and the kids used the door to the left of it. When he finished with the door, he stood back to admire his work. It wasn't exactly neat, but it would – hopefully – do the job.

Isshin went to the kitchen to grab a beer before going to the living room and plopping down on the couch to relax. Then it happened.

The doorbell rang.

Isshin mentally cursed the world and hung his head, letting out a choked and exasperated sob. But he got up and approached the door.

"Who is it?" he called through it. It must be a personal call, since it wasn't at the door he boarded up.

"Uh..." a strangely familiar voice hesitated. "My name is Soi Fon. I'm going door to door with a medical survey." Isshin almost laughed. She sounded like she was in pain.

"Sorry, but I'm not able to answer the door right now. Please leave a message after the beep." there was a pause before Soi Fon heard a very loud, "BEEEEEEEP!" emit from behind the door.

Again, Isshin had to stifle a chuckle as he felt her reiatsu spike. "Why you...! Answer the damn door!" Crap. It sounded like she was going to kick the door down! After a moment, he felt the door tremble and he jumped away from it in panic.

He couldn't think of what to do. Soi Fon was dangerous. Especially when she was ticked off. And Isshin was acting the innocent clinic doctor.

The door trembled again and Isshin squealed, like a little girl of course, and scrambled away from the door. He ran away from the door as she continued to beat it down. Then he realized that going upstairs would be a better bet. Unfortunately, he was already running. When he tried to stop, he just continued sliding across a hallway leading to the clinic and into the living room (he was wearing only his socks). Once he reached carpet, he clumsily ran towards the stairs, but not before grabbing his beer.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he heard the door fall off the hinges. He ran into his bedroom and slammed the door. As soon as he was inside, he decided to test his rusty skills by putting up a force field on the door to seal himself in. He was the only one who could do it last time he checked, but who knows? Maybe someone else figured it out as well. Once he finished the spell, he lazily sat down on the bed and drank his beer. Soi Fon finally reached his door and he couldn't help but laugh at how irritated she sounded. Then he wondered why he hadn't done this to the front door in the first place. He didn't ponder on it during a great moment such as this. He had helped Yoruichi train all the people who are now captains that weren't before, so he knew exactly how to tick him off. Unfortunately, it might get him killed as well.

Eventually, the pounding on the door began to decrease it frequency and he realized, with glee, that she had finally given up. He looked at the clock and laughed. She'd been going at the door for forty five minutes. Well, he'd give her this. She was _persistent! _

"Fine! You win this time!" Soi Fon called through the door.

Isshin decided to play along with his long term role and called back, "What are you talking about? I don't even know you! I would have taken the survey if you'd given me the chance!" He could practically feel her aggravation.

If the rest of the captains he knew were coming were going to be this much fun, then bring it on!

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A/N: I love being a smartass. It makes things so much easier for me. Hope you liked this chapter, expect the next sometime next weekend. Ja!


	3. Amagai

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

Sorry for the wait. Here's the next chapter.

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Isshin stayed sitting on the bed wondering who would come next. From what Urahara had told him, Ichimaru was a traitor and there was a new captain for the third division. What was his name again? He thought for a few minutes, but couldn't recall. He had a list somewhere, but he had to hide it so that the kids wouldn't find it. And guess what? Neither could he.

He decided to give up and took a large gulp of his beer. Standing up, he looked at the clock and was surprised at what time it was. The twins would be home soon, and they'd wonder about why the door was boarded up. Isshin was not thrilled about taking it all down, but went to do so anyway.

~~_:_~~

By the time Karin and Yuzu got home, Isshin had successfully taken down all of the boards and repaired as much damage as possible. He'd had no idea that Soi Fon could be so destructive. Grabbing another beer, he sat down on the couch and waited for his darling daughters to come home. By the time he was done with the beer, they still weren't home. He was beginning to get worried. He stood by the door and waited for them to walk through the door. He didn't know why he was acting so responsible. Isshin Kurosaki wasn't known for being responsible, he was known for being annoying as hell.

The children walked through the door, laughing about something that he didn't care about. Instead, he lectured him.

"WHY ARE YOU TWO HOME SO LATE?" he bellowed and had to bite back a cough. He didn't like using that volume with such a question.

Karin glared at her father and stated, "This is when we always come home, you idiot."

Isshin raised an eyebrow and said, "You're always an hour late?"

"Did you forget to set the clock back one hour?"

Isshin looked dumbfounded. Was it really daylight savings time? Already? Karin's question took him completely by surprise. "Uh..."

"That's what I thought," Karin chuckled as she put her stuff down and walked upstairs to her's and Yuzu's room.

"You really should pay more attention, Dad," Karin told him as she went into the kitchen.

Hm. Maybe being responsible wasn't such a good thing for him. He did well enough being an annoying father that pestered his kids constantly. Isshin shrugged off these thoughts and sat back down on the couch to wait for Ichigo to come home.

An hour went by. Another hour passed the previous. Now Isshin was mad. No son of his would be late for dinner! There was a knock at the door, which being as he was, Isshin took it as Ichigo's precaution against his father's attack. He went to open the door, but it certainly wasn't Ichigo!

The man standing outside the door was a little larger that Isshin and had short, black hair, not unlike Urahara's and for some reason, reminded him of Kyoraku.

"Isshin Kurosaki?" he asked. Isshin nodded and the man continued. "My name is Shusuke Amagai." Isshin sensed trouble and prepared himself to fight.

"It's time to go back to the Seireitei."

A/N: Hope you liked it. I had to end with a cliffy. Just feeling that way today. Hey! That rhymed!


	4. Amagai pt 2

Dislcaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of the characters. Though I love them all.

I'm finally back! I know, it's been a while. Many people are starting to get a bit pissed at me. Well, it's not really my fault, but I'll spare you all the speach. I don't know how long this chapter will be, but I hope you enjoy it. I'm trying to update all ten of my stories this weekend, so I'll do my best.

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Isshin thought for a moment. How could he get out of this and still come out looking like the stupid, yet innocent, human civilian? The answer was within the question itself. Act like a complete idiot. Not the idiot you see jumping around like a clown, but the innocently confused one. There had to be a law in the Seireitei that said that you couldn't hold an ex-captain with children against his will. He just hoped his acting skills were good enough.

"What? What the hell is a 'Seireitei?'" Isshin asked the new captain, looking at him like he was the craziest person on Earth, which he wasn't. Isshin was.

Amagai groaned. He was _not _in the mood for this. "Don't play stupid with me, Captain Shiba."

"Captain? Shiba? What did I _do _last night?!" Isshin screeched. He was starting enjoy messing with these people after all these years. He'd figured that they had completely forgotten about him by now.

"Dad?" a girl's voice yelled from the top of the stairs. Isshin tensed. This was not the time for Yuzu to worry about him.

Isshin looked at Amagai, who in turn was taken by surprise. Then called up to Yuzu, "Don't worry about it sweetie!"

"I doubt it," was Karin's smart ass response. He loved that girl dearly, but she'd spent too much time with Ichigo in the past.

"You have children? That's against the laws and you know it, Shiba!" Amagai growled at him.

Isshin turned on Amagai immediately. "Listen, jackass. I don't know who you are or who you think _I _am, but the name's Kurosaki. And don't even think of dragging my children into your little game. So run along!" The last words were spoken with so much venom, that they could only belong to a concerned parent. Amagai didn't like the idea of using force, in this case, he had no choice.

Amagai lunged at Isshin, but Isshin had anticipated the move and easily deflected the attack, knocking the 'younger' man flat on his back. Isshin hadn't used and reiatsu in the attack; it was pure karate that did the young captain in. Isshin, deciding that now was not a good time to start a full out shinigami fight, closed the door and locked it. Yuzu and Karin were still upstairs (thankfully), but he didn't bother leaving the door unattended, in case Amagai decided to knock it down.

"This isn't over, Captain Shiba! We're not going to give up!" he heard Amagai shout from the other side of the door.

Isshin smirked and his only response was a high pitched, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" that he conveniantly sang out.

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A/N: I know, my chapters are short, but amusing enough (I hope). I won't wait too long to update. But I can't really help it if I'm late with updating the stories. Well, that's all for now.


	5. Unohana

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nor did I win anything. I say this because I've written 'I won nothing' about thirty times before getting the damn sentence right!

I return! Writer's block sucks people. It really really sucks. And guess who just got a new laptop!! Yep. That's right. And now that I have it, I'm not limited to only updating on the weekends. I'm sooo loving the responses I'm getting from you guys. I had my first conversation in Spanish over the weekend. I am proud to say I'm fairly fluent now! Yay! Well - cough - I didn't mean to get off subject, but oh well. Too late to change that now. Well, on with the story.

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Later that night, Isshin stood guard next to the front door. It was 6:55 PM (he actually changed the clock) and if Ichigo was one second late, he was going to get his ass kicked.

"Dad, just drop it. Ichigo's going to seriously hurt you one day," Karin muttered, passing her father while going to the kitchen to help Yuzu set the table for dinner. Normally, she wasn't this helpful, but hey, she was bored and father-daughter time didn't sound very thrilling.

Isshin humphed. "Not while I'm alive! He knows not to be late on a school night!" Especially when there were shinigamis all over the place.

Karin peeked around the entrance to the kitchen and thought of the words whe wanted to say, "Uh...but what if he's...I don't know...busy?" Being a shinigami didn't have a time limit, and Karin knew this. Ichigo would often be gone for a long time.

"Well, he'll just have to explain it when he gets home."

Yuzu joined her twin and thought for a moment before saying, "You seem more serious than usual today, Dad."

Isshin seemed to be genuinely confused at this, "Really?"

Karin was about to say something, but was interrupted by the doorbell. Isshin face went pale. He wondered who it would be this time. He had to answer it one way or another. If it was a patient or someone normal, he'd get in trouble if he didn't answer it. If it was another taichou, they'd just break down the door. Either way, he was screwed. Gathering all the courage he had in his body, he opened the door cautiously. When he saw who was on the other side, he wished he still had the boards nailed to the doorway.

"Hello, Isshin. We've been looking all over the place for you!" Unohana said in her soft, cheerful voice.

"Dad? Who is she?" Yuzu asked, looking at the pretty woman with the long braided hair.

"Uh...I d-don't know sweety!" he stammered, faking his usual creepy smile towards Yuzu and Karin.

Karin gave him a disbelieving look and said, "Oh, really? Well, she certainly seems to know you!"

Glaring at his daughter, he reprimanded, "You've been hanging out with your brother too much."

Unohana smiled at him and said, "What lovely children!"

"Uh...kids? Go to your room and lock the door. Now, would be nice!" he added when they hesitated. Hearing their father's urgent voice, they huried up to their room and Isshin didn't move or say anything until he heard the click of their lock.

"How many of you guys am I going to have to deal with tonight!" he groaned, turning back to Unohana.

Unohana glaned at him, suddenly just as serious as Isshin was. "How long have you been a father, Captain Shiba?"

"Almost sixteen years and that's not gonna end any time soon!" he snapped. He knew he shouldn't use that tone with Unohana, but he didn't really care.

"Captain..."

"I'm not a captain of the gotei 13 anymore, Unohana!" he snapped. He quickly backed into the house and slammed the door. On the other side of the door, all he heard was silence.

"Oh, I am so screwed!" he muttered after he realized what he'd just done. He quietly locked the door and backed away, towards the stairs.

"Can we come out yet?" Karin called, sounding oh so very annoyed.

"No!" he yelled onced he passed their room.

Once he stopped at his room, he paused to think. He had to get prepared for Unohana's wrath, if she decided to unleash it. He opened his closet and pulled out a hefty box. Inside, Urahara had put many charms and seals that would keep any shinigami or hollow out of his home. After a moment of debating on which ones to use, he just overturned the box and dumped it all out. He said the necessary incantations to activate the spells and set them up all over the house.

"Mr. Kurosaki?" he heard a voice call from the kitchen. He peeked in and saw Rukia holding a glass of milk.

"Welcome home, Rukia!" he said as cheerfully as he could.

She glanced at the spells and charms he was carrying around and asked, "What are those for?"

Isshin slowly glanced down at the things in his arms and grinned, "I've been having a lot of bad luck today...so, I figured these would do me some good!" he scolded himself. He sounded so scared, it was pathetic.

"Uh...are you alright? You seem nervous about something..." Rukia put down the glass of milk. He shook his head and murmered something about being fine, and then he realized something.

"Rukia...where's Ichigo?" Isshin asked his third daughter.

"I don't know. He said he'd meet up with me here, but I haven't seen him yet."

Isshin suddenly remembered what he was supposed to be doing and squealed softly running like a madman to set everything up. "Do you want some help?" Rukia asked, following him curiously.

"No, no! I"m fine! I just don't want anymore bad luck!" he yelled from somewhere in the house. Rukia froze. How did he move that fast? It was almost as if he used flash step...

Isshin paused as he heard the door open and a low voice yelled, "I'm home!" Isshin sighed. Well, that was one less thing he had to worry about.

"Hey, Dad! Someone's here to see you...although I really don't know why!" Time froze as Isshin peeked around the corner to see the front door. Unfortunately, Unohana saw him and he immediately dashed away and up the stairs screaming, "I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!" and slamming the door when he got to his room.

"Captain Unohana? What are you doing here?" Rukia asked, coming to see who had scared Isshin so badly.

"Yeah, shouldn't you be in the Seireitei right now?" Ichigo asked.

Unohana smiled at the two of them and pulled out a small bag of grapes from the bag she was carrying. "He dropped this earlier. I just came to return it. Is he always like this?"

Ichigo just looked at her for a moment before saying, "No, he's usually worse."

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A/N: There! I'm pretty sure that this chapter is longer than my others, but I'm not sure. Sorry if it's not as funny, but I'm sick and tired and want to sleep.


	6. Byakuya

Disclaimer: I don't own this. Never will. Okay, I own the story line. That's it. The characters, and the anime/manga? Yeah, not mine.

I return! Surprised? Well, I sure am. Just kidding. I will always return...at least until I finish all my Bleach stories. Well! Here's the sixth chapter...I think...Yep, the sixth. And you know what that means. Byakuya!! Okay, just to get this out of the way, Byakuya freakin' rocks! I don't really know why, but he does. Well, here's the sixth chapter. Wow. Some of the captains aren't there, and yet I still got back on numerical track. Wow.

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"DAD!" Ichigo pounded on his father's door. "GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!"

Rukia yanked Ichigo back from his father's door by the back of his shirt. "Shut up! He'll come down when he's ready. Now, come on," she told him before walking down the stairs for dinner. Ichigo looked at his father's door for a moment before giving up and going downstairs himself.

(~:~)

Isshin remained shaking, sitting cross-legged on his bed. _'Damn, that was close!'_he thought. He could handle Old man Yamamoto and Soi Fon, but Unohana was a force he was not willing to mess with. That woman was just plain _scary!_He remembered always being hesitant when he got injured. It was a good thing he was thoroughly trained in medical care and kidou, otherwise he'd have been dead after his second mission. Not the first. That was when Unohana had shown him her true colors. He shuddered at the thought.

His phone beeped and Isshin slowly got up to retrieve it from the bedside table. He flipped it open to reveal a text message from Kisuke. _**Byakuya's coming for a visit. Make sure to have tea ready :)**_

Isshin sighed. Couldn't he get some rest between nightmares? He closed the phone and went into the bathroom that was attached to his room. A couple of minutes later, he heard the window curtains draw back and fall back to normal and he darted out into the bedroom. He sighed at seeing the person standing next to his window. He could have sworn that he had locked the damn thing.

"Hey, Byakuya. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Isshin grinned, then added after a moment of thought, "or going to the front door?"

Byakuya glanced at the older man and said, "A long time ago, you said I was always welcome. That I didn't need to knock. Do you not remember?"

Isshin sat on his bed and crossed on leg over the other, looking unusually relaxed. "Well, it has been quite a while, and I _am _getting old."

Byakuya stayed where he was. "Am I correct in assuming that you know my reason for being here?" he asked professionally.

Isshin scowled. "I may not remember me telling you not to knock, but I'm sure I've told you plenty of times to knock of the professional talk!" That was one thing about Byakuya that always ticked Isshin off. He always tried to talk, look, and act like the perfect noble.

"I am the head of my clan and it is my duty to act as professional as possible when speaking to my elders," was the stoic reply Isshin got from Byakuya.

"Bull! I remember a firey youth who'd blow up at the smallest implication of an insult!" Isshin said, standing and walking briskly towards Byakuya. Byakuya was dressed in a normal, civilian suit. He was also wearing the kenseikan that held his hair in place, showing his rank in the Kuchiki family. Before Byakuya could react, Isshin removed the kenseikan and ruffled his hair - like he'd always done when Byakuya was younger - and loosened the mans tiel, making him look not only layed back, but modern and extremely surprised.

"C-captain Shiba!" Byakuya stammered, totally out of his nature. Isshin grinned.

"There! Now you don't look like such a prick!" Byakuya glared at the man, some of his youthful attitude showing through.

"You haven't changed..." Byakuya mumbled under his breath, though Isshin definately heard.

"Nope!" Isshin grinned widely. "Now. Go back outside, and knock on the door. You're joining us for dinner." Isshin turned and walked towards the door that would allow him to exit his room.

Byakuya groaned. "I'm here to take you back to the Seireitei! Can't you be serious for once?" Isshin raised an eyebrow as he looked at the sixth division captain.

"I know. I also figured that you might want to see your sister." He walked out the door, leaving Byakuya torn between listening to Isshin or going back to the Seireitei and reporting that he'd failed his mission. In the end he sighed, jumped out of the window and going to the front door and ringing the doorbell, a scowl scarring his face showing that he was incredibly irritated. He waited a moment before he heard voices.

"Will you please get that Rukia?" Isshin called, sounding completely amused. He heard a small "Sure," in response.

Rukia answered the door, revealing her irritated older brother. "Brother! Uh...come in." She stepped aside. Byakuya stepped inside, feeling inwardly nervous at meeting whoever else Isshin lived with. He waited until Isshin came out of the kitchen with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"Glad you could make it!" Isshin exclaimed squeezing Byakuya's shoulder and pushing him into the kitchen, leaving a bewildered Rukia to follow. When the three of them entered the kitchen/dining room, the three Kurosaki children turned to look at Byakuya. Their expressions differed: Yuzu: Pleased to have another guest. Karin: Confused and suspicious. Ichigo: Pissed and scared as hell!!.

"Uh...Dad?...Why?" Ichigo couldn't manage more than that.

Isshin smiled even wider and announced, "Kids, meet Byakuya, Rukia's older brother. I invited him to dinner."

"Uh...how did you get a hold of him, Mr. Kurosaki?" Rukia asked nervously, clearly suspicious.

Isshin smile turned into a mischeivous one as he said, "I have my ways."

Yuzu, Karin, Ichigo, and Rukia just stood there for a moment before letting it go and returning to the meal.

"So, Brother..." Rukia tried to start a conversation. "You look...different."

The glare that Byakuya sent Isshin could only be described as priceless.

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A/N: Didn't expect that, did you? Well, neither did I. I never actually plan out a complete chapter. Just random, tiny details that will help the story along. So this was randomly off the top of my head.


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